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EDITORIAL COLUMN   Rated "M" for Mature

A funny way to relieve some LeBron stress
By Tim Martin -- Reviews Editor
Published June 15, 2003
Previous Editions
When good sports games get old... 6/7/03

God, he's sooo frickin' annoying.

He's more annoying than that ESPN show, "Around the Horn" and that damn green computer advertising screen in the background of baseball games, combined.

Ya know, LeBron James. The player with super talent, super Nike which equates to super rich. He's the future of the NBA. He's both AND 1 Mix Tape Tour Streetball and Larry Bird old-school. He's cocky. He's arrogant. He hasn't played an NBA game.

And yet, he's a bigger star than Tim Duncan. Say what? Well, Nike says so. They dropped Duncan, the reigning two-time MVP and probably two-time NBA Champion for a high schooler. Hell, LeBron hasn't been dunked on by Shaq, felt the pain of a Dikembe Mutombo elbow or driven home in his cavernous Hummer in the midst of a 10-game Cavalier's losing streak.

LeBron will probably be the next Kobe Bryant or Michael Jordan and I can't do a damn thing about it. I'm 5'10 with marginal basketball playing abilities. At best, I could schmooze my way into a job as a Cavalier's ball boy and challenge LeBron to a game of H-O-R-S-E; which I would try all I might, but most likely lose after the wonderboy rose up for his first dunk.

So what can a guy like me do to get back at LeBron? What can I do?

Thank you, NBA Live.

Nothing will give me more happiness than to open up my copy of NBA Live 2004 (or NBA 2k4 or NBA Shootout for that matter) and edit LeBron to a useless sack of Chris Dudley. He'll jump like Arvydas Sabonis, shoot like Dasagna Diop and dribble like Shawn Bradley.

I'll take Yao Ming and swat the living hell out of every one of Hummer boy's shots.

Is it cynical? Yep. Is it out of jealousy, out of me wanting to make millions of dollars? Probably. But is it downright hilarious? Hell yeah!

I mean, what else can I do? Boo him thousands of miles away bundled in front of my television? Pay lots of money to go see him play at Gund Arena? Shoot, I'd rather go watch the Bulls play...the Bulls!

Maybe I'm being surly, but I just think James needs his "come uppins."

As he had the right to thump his chest after dunking on a little sophomore with braces, I have the right to laugh, Playstation controller in hand, after thumping him into the stands because the fouls are turned off.

So, I call on all my fellow anti-Lebron'ers to do the same. Don't be crazy and stalk him or throw cork at him like Orioles fans do at Sammy Sosa. Be rationale. Do the smart, safe thing that won't get you thrown in jail.

I know this method sounds dorky and nerdy, but how cool is it to whoop ass on players you hate in video games? Haven't we all beaned Roger Clemens? Haven't we all shot 30 over par with Tiger Woods? It's all in good-natured, psuedo violent fun.

Maybe it's just that I have some problem ... the reverse of the Columbine-Grand Theft Auto syndrome: I take real-life desires and act them out in a video game.

LeBron. LeBron. LeBron....

I guess I better get used to hearing that. No matter what I do, James will somehow manage to survive, with his millions of dollars and fleet of beautiful women (or is it Hummers?).

Maybe I should give in and praise James like the billions of other people. Man, I don't have a shot in hell in stopping the "LeBron inevitable."

Unless of course, you mean a H-O-R-S-E shot.

Rated "M" for Mature will return periodically.

Martin has worked at SGN since 1999 reviewing games, editing reviews, and conducting interviews; is a sports writer for the Kankakee (Ill.) Daily Journal; has covered sports and news for various newspapers; and worked at multi-platform and multi-console Armchair Empire. He has been published in both print and on the web.

If you have any comments or concerns on the column or suggestions for future columns, you can contact Tim through our: feedback page.

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